Because I Love You, I Get The Least of You

Let me tell you about my toxic relationship.

It was with my old job.

Right out of college, I started work at a consulting firm. It was a more than decent job. The work was enticing enough. The pay was everything a young kid out of school could hope for. The people were extremely kind and, to be fair, much of what I learned there has helped me at my current job.

But man, did that job ask for a lot from me. It asked for my time - time that I would have liked to give to family and friends. It asked for my energy - energy I would have loved to invest in activities that brought me joy. It asked for my devotion - devotion I would have liked to offer to people and pursuits that actually contributed to the type of life I want.

The most toxic part of that relationship wasn’t what the job asked of me though. 

It’s what I gave to the job.

I gave it my time - staying up countless days well past midnight, ultimately falling asleep next to my laptop, only to wake up in a few hours so I could “get ahead of the day.” I gave it my energy - turning work problems over and over in my head even after I’d logged off. And I gave it my devotion, always choosing to go the extra mile for a job that, when push came to shove, didn’t care as much about me as it did my work.

And yet, for nearly 3 years, I gave it much more than any job deserves.

. . .

I’ve always found it inspirational when pastors talk about the transforming power of God’s love. When they preach about how God’s love can motivate us to turn from our old ways and walk a new path. How it could completely uproot our old life and lead us into a new one fueled by piety and zealous conviction, all because we’d do anything for a God that loves us so.

Yes, inspiring. But not alway relatable.

Sure, I like to think I live a noble christian life, but it hasn’t always come easy. Oftentimes I feel like my actions, righteous though they may be, are driven more by a obligation to “do the right thing” vs a desire to do good by a God who loves me.

And if I’m being honest, there have been too many times when I’ve pushed off a morning devotion in the interest of time, or skipped a church event to just sit at home, or treated my relationship with God like an afterthought instead of the core of my life.

This is a God who loves me more than anybody can love anybody and yet, for years, I’ve given Him much less than anybody who truly loves me deserves.

I wonder what it is about us that makes us give the least to those who love us the most.

Perhaps it’s the normalcy of unconditional love. When a love is so consistent and abundant, we get used to it. At some point, it loses the luster of love and fades into a fact of our everyday life - kind of like the air we breathe.

Or maybe it’s like the psychologists always say: we seek out love based on how we were loved as children. I once heard this fascinating idea that all of us become used to suffering in a certain way for love as children and seek out that same type of love as adults. Maybe we came to believe that love should be painful after some horrible experiences when we were kids, then replicate that type of love when we’re older. Maybe we came to believe that love needs to be earned, only appreciating love for which we have to work, and possibly even suffer. So when love is given to us freely and without condition, we don’t recognize it as love or we feel no desire to cultivate it.

Who can say why. All I know is that I’ve seen it play it out in so many ways: we give the least to those who love us the most.

If I can borrow from the late Nikki Giovanni, it often feels like because I love you the most, I get the least of you. I’m almost penalized for my love. Because you know I will always be here, because you know it will take a lot to push me away, because you know that I love you deeply, you feel like you can give me the rest of you after you’ve performed for the rest of a world that you barely like but still desperately want to love you.

We give our all to jobs that we hate, we smile at people we can’t stand, but we neglect a God that loves us infinitely, and we take for granted the people who care for us the most because we know they’ll always be there.

Everybody say it with me: that ain’t right!

. . .

Valentine’s day is coming up soon.

Let’s love the people who love us, yeah?

Nikki Giovanni says we should fake it a little. We give a fake smile to Jane at our job who we can’t stand and then are all frowns and long faces when we get home to the people we actually love.

I won’t tell you to give fake love, but maybe sit and talk with your girlfriend a bit after you’ve had an exhausting day at work. Sure she’ll still love you if you don’t, but isn’t her love worth a little of your last bits of energy?

I won’t tell you to give fake love, but maybe take your man out for a date when you really want to stay home and watch housewives. Sure he’ll still care for you if you don’t, but isn’t his partnership worth a bit of your free time?

I won’t tell you to give fake love, but maybe surprise your mom with a gift instead of getting one for yourself. Sure she’ll still love you till the day you die, but isn’t her love worth a non-holiday related surprise gift every now and then?

I won’t tell you to give fake love, but maybe make time to call your friends when life gets busy. Sure they’ll still have your back if you don’t, but isn’t their companionship worth a little inconvenience to your schedule?

We give the best of ourselves to people and things that don’t love us. As I’ve grown older, I’ve come to believe that a sign of maturity is loving those who love you; giving our best to those who give us their best. That is real love.

Happy early Valentines day y’all.

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