Lost In The World

A big house with a white picket fence, two kids, and a steady job.

Well, with prices as they are, I can’t afford a house (and a fence around my apartment just wouldn’t feel the same).

Before kids, most hope to be married, and to be married I suppose you have to make it past the third date at some point.

A steady job you say? Indeed.com is looking increasingly more like perhaps.not.

Ladies and gentlemen, the American Dream.

I have many reasons not to be nostalgic for the American 1950s and 60s (👋🏾). But there was a time where one could expect, after having worked a decent job for some years, some degree of financial security and even wealth. Home prices were about 2x the median income, meaning if you saved the equivalent of 2 years of your salary, you could afford to buy a home. In cash. White picket fence optional.

And in that simpler time, when dating wasn’t made more difficult with social media and apps and whatever else is in the air making finding the right relationship so hard, one could expect to be married at a reasonable age and perhaps pop out a kid or two.

Of course this wasn’t everybody’s reality or desire, but things were structured in such a way that it was possible for the average person to achieve these things. We had a reasonable and reliable path to wealth - home ownership - and to the extent that we desired relationship, happiness.

Today, we’re in a different world. The traditional paths to wealth and happiness have eroded.

Median home prices are almost 6x median income, meaning the average American would have to save the equivalent of 6 years of their salary to afford a home. That is if they could even find a job that will keep them for 6 years.

Relationships are rough. 75% of surveyed daters said it has been very or somewhat difficult to find people to date in the past year. Marriage rates are rebounding but still low. Many have even decided to give up on dating all together.

And it’s not to say that we still want the same things they did in a past. The traditional American image of a suburban home with a yard and a white picket fence has modernized. We want a condo downtown or a smart house in the outskirts of the city. And having one job for 20 years isn’t appealing anymore. We want new opportunities and the ability to explore different fields and passions. Many want to get married but later in life, or don’t believe that marriage itself is necessary for a life of partnership. Kids, though desired, are becoming increasingly difficult to rationalize given the current state and expected future of our world.

It’s not so much that I want the American Dream of the past, it’s that in today’s world, I know I can’t have it. It’s not that traditional pathways for wealth and happiness are gone, it’s that new ones don’t seem to be replacing them. A lot of us young folk are coming up in a world where we don’t know what we can reliably expect of our lives, even if we go to a good school and get a good job and do all the “right” things. Times have changed, but not everything has changed with them. What the average American could previously achieve after a few years have now become ambition goals that require years of financial planning, grueling work, and a lot of lucky breaks. That or rich parents.

These types of norms and expectations for what can be achieved in a society are what French sociologist Émile Durkheim called social facts.

I’ve best conceptualized social facts as an implicit contract with society and our governments. We’ve been told that if we go to the right school and get the right qualifications we’ll be be able to land a steady job. That if we put ourselves out there and are good people that we’ll find a partner. That if we keep our job and save smartly, we’ll be able to afford a house. And we all have made choices and tradeoffs throughout our lives in line with these expectations.

Not everybody wants these things. But the expectation of our implicit social contract has been that if we did want them, they are achievable. That I have a reliable path not to being a billionaire or the top 1%, but a reliable path to a comfortable life for me and my family.

This social contract has been broken. These social facts have decayed and they aren’t being rebuilt.

According to Durkheim, when social facts erode, a society can slip into something he calls “anomie” - a state of normlessness characterized by feelings of confusion and detachment. In an anomic society, the powers that be have failed to provide guidance and clear expectations about what is possible, so we feel lost. It’s like we’re playing a game without any clear rules.

Young men are struggling. They’ve been told that to be a man is to have a good job, find a partner, buy a home, and lead a family. Yet today, the average man cannot achieve the things they’ve been told, rightly or wrongly so, make a man a man.

Young women, held to ever-changing beauty norms and forced to balance traditional expectations to get married and have kids with modern desires for a robust career, are anxious. I mean, objectively they’re killing it. But their success is not coming without a cost.

I often think about the rise of get rich quick strategies - people are increasingly turning to meme cryptocurrencies, risky day trading, gambling and other alternative paths to wealth. It feels like either get rich quick or don’t get rich at all. Working hard at a 9-5 doesn’t seem to cut it anymore.

Red or blue. Right or left. People don’t trust the government anymore. We don’t see institutions that have our backs or want us to succeed. We see people hungry for power, facilitating the growth of the top 1% while the rest barely get by.

People don’t trust each other anymore. I am no longer my brother’s keeper, and it’s becoming harder and harder to find commonality with my fellow American than it is to find difference.

This is what happens, Durkheim says, when a society slips into anomie. We start seeing increased rates of anxiety and depression, a diminishing sense of individual identity and purpose, political instability, a loss of trust in institutions, and the weakening of social bonds. A general feeling of hopelessness can arise as people feel detached and isolated from society. Immorality and moral indifference become prevalent. Norms diminish. And expectations are unclear.

An anomic society is not a healthy society.

Listen, I don’t want to go back in time (still 👋🏾 ). I don’t need a house. I don’t need a wife and kids. I don’t need to have it all figured, planned, and mapped out right now.

But I want to know that if I work hard at my job - no crazy trading scheme, social media empire, or million dollar business idea on the side - that I can make a comfortable life for a family and maybe even create some wealth - not a lot - for my kids and their kids. I want to know that I don’t have to be a model or go on a dating show or swipe for years on a dating app to be in a happy relationship. I want to know, with some degree of reliable expectation, that I live in a society and country that is structured for and perhaps even helping me to succeed. I don’t always feel like that. And I don’t think a lot of people feel like that. I think a lot people are feeling unsupported and unguided. I think a lot of people are feeling disconnected and disillusioned. I think a lot of people are feeling a little lost.

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