“Me” vs “We” In The Search For Love

“ME”

I think when a lot of us look at our parents and their generation and the generation before theirs, we see a lot of individuals who sacrificed a bit too much for the sake of their romantic relationships. Individuals that elevated “we” over “me”, not recognizing that the two are intertwined. And while the result hasn’t necessarily been unhappy relationships – I’m sure (or hope) many of us would consider our parents to be happily together – it still seems like one parent always got the short end of the stick; like one parent had to give up more of “me” to become “we” than the other did.

So as a response, our generation has ruthlessly – in fact rebelliously – prioritized our individual happiness and fulfillment over most other things. The expense of our own peace, our own career ambitions, our own personal fulfillment, our own freedom, our own whole and complete happiness has decidedly become an expense that we are not willing to pay for the sake of relationship. And it shouldn’t have to be. All love is first a product of self love. The joy and happiness we share in relationship is first built on the joy and happiness we have individually.

Ultimately, we’ve decided that we won’t sacrifice “me” for “we” anymore – that it’s OK, maybe even good, to be alone if it spares us the burden of overly sacrificial love.

“WE”

Obsession is a strong word, but a fitting one in this case. We’re obsessed with romance and relationships. Intellectually, that is. We read more romance books. We listen to more romance podcasts. We watch more romance TV. Every other conversation with my friends is about dating. Every other Mike Todd sermon is about #relationship goals. All the tik toks are about hard dating truths and how to know you’ve found “the one”.

We know more about love (word to Bell Hooks) than ever before.

Perhaps in a similar act of rebellion to the overly sacrificial love we’ve seen in the past, we’ve resolved to truly learn what mutually happy and healthy love looks like. We live in a time where we’re able to deeply research and learn essentially anything we want and have squarely decided that love is too important to not be one of those things. So now we know what to look for and what to avoid in a partner. We know what best in class other-love is supposed to be. We’ve seen it wrong so often that we’re determined to get it right.

And as we’ve learned more about the building blocks of love, we’ve also learned how important and life giving and life changing finding that right love – romantic or not – can be. Sure it’s okay to be alone, but it’s a lot better to be not alone.

THE MEET CUTE

So what happens when “me” and “we” meet?

The immediate and likely correct answer is that the two don’t need to be reconciled but actually go hand in hand. Self love and other love are connected. As we grow more in our capacity to love and choose ourselves , we are also able to better love and choose other people. To that end, maybe it makes sense that we’re obsessed with both self love and other love. It would be foolish, dangerous even, to focus on one while neglecting the other.

But that’s no fun.

What I’m really curious about is if there’s a point where we take one or the other to its extreme and the two loves actually conflict, forcing us to deal with the tension.

Because as I’ve been thinking about “the wave” of our romantic lives, and as I’ve had deep conversations with friends, only to leverage their most honest and vulnerable feelings about love and relationships for my amateur writing hobby, that’s what I see and feel – tension.

Frustration even. 

Frustration from people who know so much about love that we go out into the world to find it with such passion and, dare I say, impatience, that we expect love to be easy to find and easy to keep. But it’s not. I fear it never will be. So we end up frustrated that what we understand and know can be true about love in our minds isn’t reflected in our reality.

Or frustration from those who take the other route – who focus so much on “me” and being their own partner that somewhere down the line they run into the reality that the Bible has been trying to teach us for ages “it is not good for man to be alone” (Genesis 2:8).

Honestly, I’m sure most of us have felt a little bit of both. At times frustrated that we can’t find love when we know more about it and have more avenues to find it – in person events, dating apps, social media etc. – than ever before. Other times frustrated that we even need love, that we even have to bother with all this “we” business when “me” is already so great. Either way the result is the same – a generation frustrated with love.

TAPPING INTO THE WAVE

I think about this scene from Little Women often.

When I first watched the movie, I couldn’t quite put my finger on why this scene resonated so deeply. But after having thought more about the romantic waves in our lives, I can see how the scene taps into something many of us may be feeling right now – frustrated that we need love but also frustrated that we don’t have it. And while the movie is technically adapted from a 19th century novel, there’s something to be said for the filmmakers choosing now of all times to resurface this timeless theme.

. . .

At the end of the day, we need love. And even if we didn’t, there’s nothing wrong with wanting love, with admitting that we care both to love and to be loved by someone else.

Though as we rightly resolve to make sure we are whole as individuals before attaching ourselves to others, I hope we can also recognize what Bell Hooks teaches in Communion – while self love is the beginning of our journey for love, it’s not the end. It can be frustrating at times, but we need other people. We need other love.

And as we read more and learn more about love and how it should look and feel, let’s not forget that you can’t hurry love. Nothing ever worth having comes easy or quickly. I doubt love, of all things worth having, is the exception.