Our Twenties Are To Be Lived, Not Controlled

Behind every complaint is a desire.

So when I set out to better understand why we complain about our twenties - why this period in our lives that many laud as the golden era of exploration is often littered with feelings of loneliness, anxiety, depression, and general not greatness - the real question I had to answer is what do we desire? What are we looking for that we can’t seem to find?

I think that thing is control.

A lot is changing in our lives right now. We’re in new cities. We have our first big boy and big girl jobs. We’ve let old friends go while trying to make new ones that will support us in this new season. We’re starting romantic relationships that may very well end up being THE romantic relationship. We’ve been tasked with defining ourselves for ourselves, forcing us to grapple with the consequences when who we want to be isn’t the same as who Mom and Dad want us to be. And we’re doing it all with no instruction manual. Very “build the plane while we’re flying it” to use an annoyingly popular analogy from my first big boy job.

To make matters worse, researchers have so dubbed this the “defining decade”, making it unambiguously clear that the decisions that we make over these next couple of years have the potential to define the rest of our lives. 

So in the face of these changes and pressures, we want control. We want the certainty that we’re making the right choices. We want to be sure we’re picking the right city and the right job and the right partner and the right identity. And if we can’t get it all the way right, we at least don’t want to get it so wrong that we mess up our thirties and beyond before we even have a chance to give them a honest shot.

WHAT CAN WE DO IN THE ABSENCE OF CONTROL?

I hope I’m not too pessimistic in saying that the control we seek during our twenties can’t be found. We’ll never get it all the way right. In fact, just speaking for myself, I’m confident I’ll get it wrong way more than I’ll get it right.

In many ways, this is as human a lesson as they come. Our lives cannot be controlled. They can’t be ordered and organized to avoid mistakes.

Without control over our twenties, we’re forced to face an uncertain future. Which can be scary. 

But, without control, we’re also forced free to simply live our lives. To make decisions without the overburdening concern of the outcome. To explore the cities and jobs and partners that excite us without worrying that they’re the “right” ones, not because we don’t care if they’re right, but because even with our best efforts, we’ll never know that they were right until we’re looking back 10 years from now. To take chances and try everything “just because”. And to be okay with leaving it at that. 

. . .

A part of me wishes I could actually just leave it at that. 

That I could implore myself, and by extension you, to just live. To free ourselves from the shackles of an overbearing need for control and certainty and to simply live out the rest of our twenties, and that we would all just do that.

In reality, I imagine many of you are rolling your eyes at what sounds like another cliched use of “just live your life” with no real explanation of what that actually means. I can say this because I rolled my eyes and had similar thoughts as I wrote it.

Before I get y’all off my back and explain what I mean, it’s important I first explain what I don’t mean.

Living our twenties in the absence of control does not mean we do nothing. It does not mean that because we cannot control the outcome of our lives that we should simply accept life as it comes. That is also not living.

Just as difficult as a life overly fixated on control is a life without any control - a life where it feels more like life is happening to me, than me living my life.

That feeling that life is living us, that we’re just along for the ride, is real. It pervades all of our time in this world, but especially our twenties when life is changing so much it feels like we can’t keep up.

This is all to say, though we may find it trite when random bloggers tell us to let go of control, it’s important that we don’t fall into the other trap of an unlived life - where we let life pass us by.

So when I write “our twenties are to be lived, not controlled”, there’s first the reluctant acceptance that if we can’t control our twenties, we must concede to live them (please see paragraphs above).

But that doesn’t mean we can do nothing and let life happen to us. There is a way there has to be a way to proactively live life in the absence of control.

So, the next natural question: “how should one actually live their twenties?”

HOW I HOPE TO LIVE OUT MY TWENTIES

There’s this song that I often turn to when it feels like life is happening to me. When it feels like I have no control.

It's a gospel song called “I Understand” by Smokie Norful. Honestly, it’s a pretty somber song.  Very Tyler Perry movie “I’m gonna make it through a few more days of my marriage to that bad bald man because God is in control” type song, if you can imagine. 

Nonetheless, the core refrain has informed much of how I hope to live through my twenties. It goes like this:

. . .

1. One Day and One Step At A Time

I once heard it said that the best way to walk through fog is one step at a time, trusting that even though you can’t see the full path ahead of you, as you take each step forward, the next step will reveal itself.

More often than not, all I can see is the next step. I don’t know what city I’ll end up in, but I know I have a good city with a good community that works for now. I don’t know what I’ll end up doing with my life, but this new job I saw on Linkedin really excites me - I think I’ll try that. I don’t know who my person will be, but I’m excited at getting to know this one person that I’ve seen around a few times.

Slowing down and living life one day and one step at a time, frees me from the burden of always making sure I’m on the right path, while still making sure that I keep moving forward.

What the fog analogy fails to capture though is just how scary it can be taking a step forward into the unknown. Because what happens when you take a step and there’s nothing there to hold you up, so you fall? What happens when you take a step in a direction nobody has taken before?

Living a live worth living requires courage. But just take that next best step, and I think you’ll be surprised how far it takes you.

2. With A Little Bit Of Faith

When life gets hard, I ask God “why?” And sometimes often times I don’t get an answer. 

In those moments when it feels like God isn’t here - when it feels like I’m struggling in silence - I need something bigger than me to trust in. 

Even if I don’t have control, it’s important I believe somebody does. This way I’m free to live my life trusting - or perhaps hoping - that it’s all part of a bigger plan.

3. With Friends

The core refrain of “I Understand” naturally ends with a reassurance from God that He understands what we’re going through.

Sometimes, all you need is a friend that gets it. Somebody that sees you. Somebody that understands the ups and downs that come with these formative years.

You’re lucky if you have just one of these friends. You’ve hit the jackpot if you have many.

Living out my twenties with friends who understand is what keeps me going. It’s what makes my life as a twenty something in New York City both bearable and exciting. It’s what let’s me know that even if I can’t control how it will all turn out, at least I have people who will be there for me.

MIDPOINT CHECK IN

Thank God I’m not the same person I am now as I was at 20. 

Looking back from my midway point through the defining decade, I can proudly say that I’ve come a long way. I’ve changed, I’ve learned, I’ve had experiences that will define me for the better. 

Few of these experiences were planned though. Many of them took me by surprise. Many of them I couldn’t have even dreamed for myself when I was 20. 

Without the omniscience of a crystal ball, I can also say ‘thank God I won’t be the same person at 30 as I am now at 25’. Granted, 25 to 30 is a bit scarier than 20 to 25, but I hope to face these next 5 years with the same faith and naive optimism that it will all work out for the better as I have in the past. Sure, I’ll probably try and control a few things here and there, but when I inevitably fail, I suppose I’ll have to be content with just living the rest of my twenties out and seeing how far I go.