[Unresolved, On Happiness]

“I don’t know. They all end up feeling kind of boring.”

This is me, a few years back, talking to a friend about recent dates I’d been on.

“There’s nothing wrong with the women per se. I’ve just never left feeling like I had an amazing time, or that I just had to see them again.”

“Honestly, I feel like a lot of what you get out of dates is up to you,” he responded. “I stopped picking events or dinners just based on where she’d want to go. Instead, I’ll pick activities that I know I’ll enjoy, even if I went alone. That way even if we’re not clicking, I know I’ll have a good time.

I’ve realized that if you go into dates with the mindset that you’re gonna have a good time, you usually find a way to have a good time.”

So the next lucky lady I took out, I tried this. I went into it resolved to have a good time.

And somehow . . . he was was right. I had a great time!

Future dates. New jobs. Parties I’m dragged to by friends. I’ve adopted this mind trick across countless new experiences. And it’s worked well. If I resolve to be happy, I find ways to be happy.

HOW LIBERATING!

If happiness comes from external things, there’s a lot I don’t have. Job isn’t always great. Relationships aren’t always easy. Money isn’t . . . there all the time. I’m wanting for much.

But I have resolve. If there’s anything I can muster every now and then it’s some good old fashioned American resolve.

Only needing myself and the commitment to be happy in order to be happy works well for my life. I don’t need to rely on anybody or anything else.

My happiness begins and ends with me.

HOW TERRIFYING!

My happiness begins and ends with me.

If I can’t rely on anybody or anything else to be happy, then I also can’t blame anybody or anything else for my unhappiness. It all comes down to me.

I’m supposed to what, just face the world - broken, mean, lonely as it may be - and make all that happiness for myself? Day in and day out, rain or shine, night or day, I just gotta find it?

And sure I’ll mature and gain perspective, but at the end of the day, I’m always going to be me. Who I am can only change so much. If I struggle to find happiness today, what’s to make me think I’ll have it tomorrow? Or in 5 years? Or in 50 years? My external circumstances will change, but if I’m always the same me, where will my happiness come from?

We often lament our lack of control over our lives. We feel like things would be easier if we could just plan it all out and make the lives we see in our minds. But with control comes responsibility. And I don’t know how ready I am to take sole responsibility for my happiness.

Sometimes I want to pin it on a bad job or a struggling economy. Sometimes it’s easier to shove the blame on a bad relationship or an imperfect partner. Sometimes I need to pin it on a boring first date across the table because I don’t want to contend with the possibility that maybe I’m actually the boring one . . .

Well no, that’s probably not it, but you get my gist.

Psychologists often speak of the fundamental attribution error, a cognitive bias where we overestimate personal characteristics and underestimate situational factors when explaining someone else’s behavior. When someone cuts me off in traffic, it’s because they’re a jerk, right. God forbid they’re having a bad day or late to an important meeting. But when I cut someone off, it’s only because I’m having a bad day or late to a meeting. It can’t be that I was just driving carelessly. No not me. Never that.

I feel like I do something similar with my happiness.

When I’m happy, I’m fine with happiness coming from me. When I’m happy, I’m president of the “happiness begins and ends with you” club.

But when I’m unhappy, that can come from my situation. I can’t be the problem. I don’t want to be the problem.

To this day, I remain both excited and terrified at the idea of happiness beginning and ending with me. Some days it’s a wonderful gift, allowing me to rise above my external circumstances and find a pure happiness that can’t be taken away. Other days it’s a terrible burden, forcing me to wrestle with my role in my own unhappiness and face the lonely prospect of having to somehow make my happiness out of nothing.

I keep using the “if you want it to be a great date, it’ll be a great date” trick and it still works fairly often. But sometimes it doesn’t.

When it works, I’m excited.

When it doesn’t, I’m scared.

And hey, maybe that’s just life for ya 🙂 .

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